Blue Heron Homicide

I have been thinking about this great story lately. It is not great in the traditional sense like Dickens or Hemingway, or even in the sense that you will rush to tell all of your friends my great story.. actually now that I've put some thought into it maybe the word should be awful or tragic instead of great. Count yourself lucky if you aren't curled up in a ball rocking back and forth and sucking your thumb by the end of this story. And crying. And channeling your thoughts through your friend Tony who lives in your finger.

Let's start out by talking about the blue heron. As you can tell by the title of the post, this story does not end well for the old boy. I went to Wikipedia, my 2nd love, to find out more about this majestic bird. Wouldn't you know it is actually called the GREAT Blue Heron? Man. What the hell. Well anywho, the Wikipedia page doesn't really tell me what I want to know, but I think what I'm looking for is somewhat intangible. Maybe it is an Eastern Shore thing, but blue herons are practically worshipped down there. My apartment in Salisbury was next door to a museum dedicated to waterfowl... in layman's terms - BIRDS. These people love their birds, and I think the blue heron is right at the top of the list, like the bird king.

Now that you have a little background, I'll tell you that the story starts with a trip to PA or something. A trip home from PA, more specifically. Dennis had been driving my cute little Honda Fit for most of the 8 hour trip when he finally asked me to take over the wheel for the last hour. I was a good sport (read: new relationship, accommodating gf) so I obliged. Maybe it looked something like this:

Probably looked more real-lifey though, but that's beside the point. The point is, don't we look great in my fly-ass whip? So we're driving down the highway, when we see this...

And Dennis used his super keen observational powers.

I was so focused on my driving that I didn't even see the heron. I had seen them enough on the shore that I didn't try TOO hard to look for the aforementioned heron; that is, until Dennis broke out his super keen perceptibility powers.

I feebly attempted to locate the heron in my sights but again, I just wasn't that interested. Until Dennis suggested that the regal bird acting weird = acting drunk. Hmm. So I finally saw the bird in all its glory..

This is all, of course, a recollection from almost 3 years ago, so forgive me for not remembering the specific brand of 40 that he was drinking.

There was probably 5 or 10 seconds from the time that I first saw the heron and the time it merged paths with my life, but it seemed like even less than that and I honestly don't remember what that path looked like, but I will still attempt to recreate it for you.

Bird rolls like tumbleweed across median.

Bird eats shit, takes impact to the face.

Bird makes misguided attempt at flight.

Bird misjudges velocity of the oncoming Fit.

Last minute assessment of his surroundings...

And splat.

This bird loop-de-looped around in the air, drifting from the median straight into oncoming traffic. Before I had time to react, this bird was face-planting directly into my windshield.

The sound was so loud I couldn't believe that my windshield hadn't broken or even cracked at all. My rearview mirror snapped from the windshield and landed in the backseat. The bird's body succumbed to the aerodynamic design of my car and rolled over the top, then off to the side of the road.

Dennis and Darick started laughing insanely and calling every person in their contacts while I continued to drive in shock and horror.

I had just killed a blue heron. A priceless treasure of a bird. But to be fair, he was most definitely intoxicated, whether the remains of the alcoholic beverage he was consuming were ever found by the police or not. I hope you won't think me a bad person, although to this day I harbor a deep resentment for herons and other alcoholic waterfowl.

Why I got a dog

 

Flaming Drinks, Mud Baths, Single Fish, Scrabble History, Doggie Ice Cream, and Daddy Forbes

Oh man. Do you ever save voicemails from people just because you know it is so funny/thoughtful/whatever that you know you will want to hear it again, just not right now? I do that a lot. I'll save it and then when it is about to expire it's a pleasant surprise, like finding $5 in your pocket or in someone's pocket whose clothes you wash.

Well I do that with my gchats too. I mean they don't expire or anything, but sometimes I'll be in gmail rooting through my old emails and I'll spot a certain word or phrase that catches my eye and makes me think it might be worth reading again. Then I waste hours upon hours reminiscing about me and my hilarious friends and how much time I wasted at the Department of Labor aka DLLR (not because I was lazy or anything, I was just SUPER-EFFICIENT and got my work done super fast and therefore had way too much free time on my hands to gchat with my hilarious friends).

Come to think of it, that's probably why my blog was so great when I worked there. I had so much free time and lots of frustration to vent. Lots of stupid people to comment on, too. Oh, there was fodder galore! I guess what I wrote would be considered observational humor, and a lot of it was in the format of gmail conversations between me and co-workers about the life forms that populated my workspace. On days that I was feeling especially lazy, I would leave out much of my own commentary and just post gmail conversations that I thought were kind of funny.

I'm telling you this because I'm about to spam you with some gchats. Sorry about that.

Meredith: i'd love to meet her

Meredith: and spill a drink on her

Meredith: lthere are plenty

of other single fish in the sea  

why not go for the next best thing...

me: dating a fish

Meredith: HIS TWIN

me: oh 

Taylor: i think we should plan a girl date

we can pretend we're somewhere awesome for vacation

i mean its right next to a winery

on the water

its a resort

there are mud baths

throw yourself off the dock during low tide

me: omg.

i just used the word turd

Meredith: lol

amazing

scrabble history.

me: lol doggie ice cream?? wtf!

Sarah: you haven't seen that?

it is supposed to taste like peanut butter but it is nasty

me: ....so you tried it

Sarah: well, i had to see if it was good before i gave it to ella!

obv

Meredith: doyou want to come over tonight!

Lily and abbey and I are gonna eat panera

and watch "girl with the dragon tattoo" on TV

me: my pops is takin us to dinner

Meredith: well for fucks sake

thanks a lot daddy forbes

me: but shit when is it on

Meredith: I think it's on on demand

SO IT'S ON WHENEVER i DAMN WEL PLEASE

I hope you find these as entertaining as I did, and still do. And if not, then maybe you could spill a drink on me in the future. Just not a flaming drink.

Paint, I have rediscovered you

By Paint, I mean the paint program I had on my old laptop. I could never find an equivalent for Mac until I stumbled upon (literally AND figuratively!!)(Editor's note: That makes no sense unless you know about the site www.stumbleupon.com. You're welcome.) one of the most genuinely entertaining blogs on the planet. It is called Hyperbole and a Half. It is written by a girl named Allie who reminds me so much of myself that it is mildly creepy. I mean, she is 25, she made an Encino Man reference, she likes raptors, she is a grammar nazi, she touched my leg... what? The list goes on.

She draws a lot of pictures on her blog using a program for Mac called Paintbrush. I am so relieved that I read the FAQs on her blog because otherwise I would have never found it... because I am so damn lazy. I mean I looked for other programs and downloaded a few but they were too complicated and intimidating. I deleted them and then emptied the trash immediately so I wouldn't have time to look upon them in shame. Then I lived the rest of my life in despair until I found her blog. Seriously just read one post and I bet you will be hooked.

Anywho, her funny little pictures reawakened my inner artist... err.. computer-based artist. I drew a bunch of pictures on Paint when I worked back at the Department of Labor, but the only one I can think of off the top of my head is dedicated to rats. Robin, my lovely and amusing former co-worker, stated that we were like rats in a cage at our jobs. So I drew this for her:

See how freakin talented I was back in my heyday? So now I'm back on the wagon, and to start off I drew a picture to supplement my last post about trying to sleep in a bed meant for 2 humans, sans dog.

This is what I usually walk in and see. Dennis on the right as usual. Dexter... in my effing spot. Then if I try to move him he moans and groans like a wounded gnarwhal. On a related topic, what is a gnarwhal? It just sounded right at the time. In case you were wondering, Dennis is completely fine. That is not a an alien bursting from his shoulder; he just has a rad tattoo of a squid fighting a whale, and I gave this drawing 110% 17%. Actually I am proud of my Dexter picture and I'm surprised it turned out as nicely as it did due to the angry nature of my previous post from which this drawing is derived.

Fun fact: Don't they both look happy? Which makes it sad that the title of this picture is "sleepytime distress."

Dexter gets all up in my grill and this ain't no bbq

I got a deal today on LivingSocial.com for 4 movie tickets for $20. I am happy.

On another note, here's my dog:

Isn't he effin cute? The premise of this picture is actually really sad. I toss and turn trying to get to sleep most nights because D & Dexter take up so much space that I have to contort my body to try to fit into the jigsaw that is my sleeping situation. So once D wakes up and gets out of bed around 6, I take the opportunity to stretch out across the whole bed. It's nice because Dexter worships D so much that he always gets out of bed with D, leaving the bed all to MEEEEEE.

When D finally leaves, Dexter pines at the window for about ten minutes, then he realizes how effing early it is and tries to get back in bed. Now I'm sitting here, trying to think of a way to describe Dexter's company. The first word that comes to mind is "suffocating." Hm that's a little too strong. How about "no concept of personal space." Yea that's better.

So he gets back into bed and there's plenty of room on either side of me for him to stretch out. But he decides to curl up into a little ball for some reason, probably to increase his momentum (is that how physics works?). Then he curls up right up THISCLOSE next to me, which would be ok, maybe, but then he isn't even settled. It's like he's ready to lay down, he finds his spot, he plops himself down, and then he releases his breath or something, causing him to sway and then settle permanently on top of me. 

It's like someone sitting next to you in the airplane that is clearly too big for their seat sucking in their gut, then sitting down, giving you the illusion that hey, maybe they aren't going to expand all over me. Then they exhale and expand all over you.

It drives me crazy, cause then I try to scoot away, and he finds a way to reposition himself and scoot closer. So I do the only thing I can, which is to exile him from the room. He won't go willingly though. I have to say, "Wanna go potty?" So he gets all excited and runs to the stairs, then I shut the door and sigh contentedly as I drift away to dreamland. I get a good couple hours of sleep in, until I wake up and remember the terrible thing I did.

It wasn't that bad but I knew when I opened the door that his sad little face would be looking at me being like, "Why? Why did you banish me? Did I do something wrong?" and I'd be like, "Well, you were just all up in my grill and I couldn't sleep," and he'd be like, "Oh. I see. So I was trying to get close and snuggle up to you, and you wanted me gone. Ok." Then I'd scream, "Stop with the $#%*ing guilt trip already!!!!!!!" while tearing my nails down my face and writhing around. Meanwhile this conversation has been happening all inside my head. Maybe I should get another dog. Oh right back to the picture.

So I did finally open the door this morning and he did the same thing to the door that he does to me, (invade its personal space). I open the door and he falls into the room because he's all stacked up against the door, expanding a;KL <

\\\t.

Ahem. As I was saying, he's all stacked up against the door, expanding all over it. Excuse my typos, but someone just invaded my lap and tried to settle down. Guess who.

Anyway the picture is him after he joyously jumped back into bed and snuggled up with my blankets. It was cute and D asked me to take a picture, so there you have it.

Wiffleball Kick Off Happy Hour

There was a happy hour tonight for wiffleball at Della Roses at Canton Crossing. $10 for a wristband, not too shabby. And since I am captain it was free for me woo hoo! It pays to be captain I guess. I met almost everyone on my team. That makes me a happy panda. I had 8 people to meet, and 7 showed up, so that was awesome. I am really excited for my team to play and just to make new friends too (as cliched as it sounds).

Ever since D & I moved to Baltimore we have joked about how we have no friends up here. We do have friends in the area, but we just don't hang out with them enough and spend a lot of time by ourselves. We get on well enough, but it is nice to socialize and hang out with new people! We met a few new people through volleyball, and wiffleball is looking to be even better. Can't wait to see how my team gels on the field. They seem to gel pretty well at the bar.. ha ha.

In other news, my dad took us to a concert last night at Rams Head in Annapolis. There was an extra ticket so we asked AF to come. It was such a fun night. We saw Bob Schneider. RAWR! He was awesome. Look at him, all sultry.

If you ever have a chance to see an artist at Rams Head in Annapolis, I would def do it and grab dinner there before hand. The food is off the hook, and the concert venue is pretty small so you can sit really close to the stage. It has tables and you get waited on the whole time. Boo ya!

K it's time for bed for Meghan. But now you all know about my amazing week. It was fun and I like wiffleball. Hope you learned a lot. G'night!

Bohs: Volleyball & Wiffleball Edition, + my 2 Heroes

I've (surprisingly) been keeping up with my food blog, What's On Meghan's Plate, so I haven't really had time to post anything on my real housewives blog. That makes me a sad panda.

Average Bohs - We had an undefeated Sunday last week!! (Sep 5) It was the holiday weekend so only 4 of our team members were able to make it. Luckily one of our players, BJ, brought her husband and we were able to play. We played 4 games and won every single one. Woo hoo! It was so much fun and a great ego boost to win. It's always fun to play, but it doesn't hurt to win a few. :) We played again this Sunday and won 2 out of 4... not as ego-boosting, but still a good time as usual. Go Bohs! One of our players, LB, posted this picture on fb.

Next week is the playoffs, which means it's the last week of volleyball. That is such a bummer. But - wiffleball is starting in 3 weeks so hoorah! Can't wait to see how that turns out.

On another note, oh how I love Stephen Colbert. People are starting to request that Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert hold a rally in some sort of retaliation to Glenn Beck's piece of shit rally in DC. Did you know that there were a million people there, and that they aren't going to let anyone tell them the number were any less than that? Hahahaha. Ok. I'm not sure how I feel about the attention that Beck is getting, and even though it's supposed to be a diss or something like that, I'm sure Beck will cry about how this is proof that his rally changed the nation, nay, the world!! UGH. Anywho, enough about him.

PS. The title of the post was referring to Colbert & Stewart. ;)

Ok I gotta get out of this house and maybe take Dexter to the dog park. Or for a nice long walk. Ciao!

PPS. Dexter (the show) starts back up on Sep 26. Eeeee!!